I am to a breaking point in my life. I have gone and tried to figure out why I am the way I am lately I fight with everyone I am angry everyday now. I spend my days trying to sleep and trying to concentrate on my work. I don’t listen to my bosses and I am unable to work my whole shift without crying or lashing out at someone. I was taken to my family doctor by my friends mother and from there I was told that I am severely depressed and that I need to go to the hospital as soon as possible was then taken to the hospital to be checked out by a specialist there and they basically told me I was told to see them because the family doctor thought that I was going to kill myself right then and there while I was in his office. I couldn’t believe what they were telling me. I didn’t understand why he would say that and what I did that made him think that. I guess if he actually listened to a word I said then he would really know what the hell was going on with me. I was given lots of paperwork to call around so that I could start counseling and start on medication or else I have to be put in the inpatient ward of the hospital. I don’t know what I would have done if they did that to me. I decided to leave town for the weekend and take a few days off from work.  I am taking lots of meds but they don’t seem to be working for me. They just give me lots of migraines and I can’t take them anymore.  But I keep up with them so that I don’t get put in the institute.  I don’t know when my life became so lifeless. I spend nights crying and days wishing I could just crawl under a rock and never come out. Rarely do I think of death. I spend more time wishing to be left alone and have nothing to worry about for a while a month or so would be nice. Even without a phone or internet or anything at all.  I really need to relax and it’s not working. I try to relax while on my trip but as soon as I feel like I am just starting to get out of my shell and then I get a call or message saying I need to do or will you please………and it just makes me even more angry. I lose it everything just goes out the window from there.  I wish I knew what is really going on. Maybe I will figure it out but from where I am now I don’t think so. I do get very happy when I am talking to my friend he is the only person that makes me happy. I want to tell him so but I don’t know how I would tell him without him freaking out and saying or doing something that would make it  clear that he doesn’t what to be around me anymore. I know very stupid but I don’t know guys that well and he is the first guy that I like that would be my first real boyfriend and I don’t want to mess it up by saying something stupid.  I think I should just turn off my phone but I want to talk to my friend and since I am out of town it’s the only way I can talk to him.  I am just confused and angry at myself that I don’t know what to do.  I am losing it and I can’t stand it. Oh my goodness I don’t know what I am saying or doing anymore.  Someone please help me to figure out what is wrong with me……please.

GOOD BYE

When you said I love you

When you held me tight and said I will never let go

When you said I wont let you go

When you said I'll try harder

When you looked in my eyes

When you said trust me

Did you mean it?

When you took my virginity

When you came in side

When you took your hand and slid it down my thighs

When you talked to me like never before

When you told me things

When you kissed all over me

Did you mean it?

When our lips became one

When we slept through the sun

When I gave myself to you

When you said forever

When you no one will take you away

When you called me baby

Did you really mean it?

I meant what I said and I trusted you too.

But for some reason you broke my heart in two.

When you said forever I guess you left out  the truth.

When you said I love you I guess you meant I like you to.

When you looked into my eyes you were really looking for her.

I guess I was the sucker and you got off on that.

So when I say Did you mean it Im really saying good bye.

Why they call it true love is be on me.

You didn't feel a thing for me and I just couldn't see.

What your eyes were really saying to me. 

So when I say Did you mean it. I really do mean Good Bye.

---Cotton Picker

I found it.

The Rose